36 Year-End Confessions of this Stay-at-Home Mom

It's the last day of 2015.  The day when so many of us are enjoying that one thing before we decide to give it up for the New Year.  This does not apply to me.  It has been quite a few years since I have made any resolutions, but I am this year.  Just one.  Only I'm not giving up something, I'm adding to it.  My resolution is to spend more time in the Bible understanding what God wants me to do and where He will have me do it.  I want to hear His voice more clearly.  So today, as my last blog post of 2015, I am offering my confessions or tidbits of info about me.  These are things about me you may or may not know.  You may or may not like.  But they are the truth and how I feel, so here ya go, in no particular order!

1.  I am a Christian (this will actually always be number one).
2.  I am a southern Baptist but pray that people don't automatically label me as a hypocrital conservative because of where I worship.  I am more liberal than most realize.
3.  I love being a stay-at-home mom.
4.  Some days I really miss working a regular 8-5 job.  With adults.  With adult conversations.
5.  I enjoy time away from my kids.  This does not make me a bad mom.  This makes me a real mom.
6.  I love to cook new things, but only if the mood strikes.
7.  I love to eat out.
8.  I am a horrible housekeeper.  I can't stand to vacuum (thank goodness Santa brought me that Roomba this year)!
9.  I am the daughter of a southern Baptist minister.  The older I get, the more I appreciate this.
10.  I don't support gay marriage.
11.  I love my gay friends the same as I love my straight friends.  I may not agree with their life decisions, but it doesn't make me love them less.  Same as with my friends who may be alcoholics, drug addicts or atheists.
12.  I am a republican.
13.  I have voted democrat before.  I vote for the person, not the party.
14.  While I enjoy talking with friends, some days I just don't feel like being sociable.
15.  I love texting.  Phone calls with three kids in the house do not go over well, as I have to stop to tell the kids something or answer a question every 48 seconds.
16.  I can't stand feet.  They're gross.  Don't touch me with your feet, I will NOT touch your feet, and do not touch my feet.  Although, I'm somehow okay with professional pedicures.
17.  I love New York City and would live in the middle of Manhattan if we didn't have kids.
18.  I love the beach.  The water, the sand, the sun, the breeze, all of it.
19.  I worry about things even though worrying doesn't change the outcome.
20.  I have a past.  Some things I would change, but most, I wouldn't.
21.  Guns don't scare me.  I know how to use them and would do so in a heartbeat to save my family.
22.  I have a tendency to say what's on my mind.  It's usually the truth and can sometimes be hurtful and I have to apologize for letting my mouth get in the way of others feelings.
23.  As Baby's daddy would say, "When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong."
24.  I love living in Texas, but I also love adventure and look at every move we make as a new adventure.
25.  I enjoy all kinds of crafts, but again, only when the mood strikes.
26.  I have learned how to be a loyal friend.  There was a time I could not say that.
27.  I want to try new things in my life but am scared I won't succeed.
28.  I like a clean house, but between three kids and confession #8, that rarely happens.
29.  I am very organized.  Everything has a place and it drives me crazy if things are not where they belong.
30.  I recently reconnected with my first real roommate after 12 years.  She got me through so much and that is one friendship I don't ever plan on losing touch with again.
31.  If going on a trip, I have to leave the house clean and all clothes washed and put away.
32.  I love to workout.
33.  I also love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, chocolate peanut butter cupcakes and Jif Creamy Peanut Butter.  See a trend there?
34.  I enjoy having material items even though I know I don't need them.  Another crutch I need to address in 2016.
35.  I love God.  I believe in God.  But sometimes I just don't believe God (working on this).
36.  I am human.  I am selfish.  And sometimes I get mad at God for not making things go the way I want.  Or as quickly as I want.

I know there are many more things I could put in this list, but the fact is, I can't think of them.  As soon as I hit "post," I'm sure another 15 will pop into my head.  So, just when you thought you knew me, I give you even more information!  Mainly, I really just felt like writing today, so thanks for feeling like reading, if you've made it this far.

I hope you have had a happy 2015 and may you all be blessed with your best year yet in 2016!

Love to you all!
The (confessing) Momma

Truly Forgiven

October 31, 2001.  I was married to my first husband. It was falling apart, fast.  9/11 had happened only a little over a month before and like the rest of America, had me truly thinking about the life I was living and the one ahead of me.  

November 2, 2001.  My dads heart stents collapsed requiring him to have open heart surgery. I packed my bag and drove to my hometown to be with my parents during this time.  For two days, I openly talked with my mom and my highly medicated dad about how I felt. It wasn't good.  While still at my parents, I called my now ex-husband to tell him as soon as I returned, I would be moving out.  His reply to me was, "if you do this, don't even think about trying to come back."  I rented an apartment, with the help of my parents, over the phone so that I could move the minute I got back into town.  I have never once regretted that decision.  I don't blame my ex for our marriage failure.  It was just not right. It was a toxic relationship for me and one that I did not need to be in. 

During this time, I was a completely lost soul.  I wasn't attending church.  I rarely prayed for God to help me.  And I made some of the worst decisions of my life. I hurt one of the people closest to me.  To this day, I don't know why I felt the way I did or why I was so selfish, but I have dealt with this for 14 years...daily.

It is said that in order to truly receive forgiveness from God, we must first forgive ourselves.  When you hurt someone, and you know how badly you hurt them, it's hard to forgive yourself. When you have asked for forgiveness from that person and not received it, it's hard to forgive yourself.  When even your children are shunned by that person you hurt, it's hard to forgive yourself because now your kids, who didn't even exist at that time, are paying for your sin.  At what point are we able to move on?

I have thought about what I did every day for 14 years.  I have dreamed about it.  I have dreamed that I was forgiven, but not reconciled or forgotten, only to wake up knowing that's not reality.  

October 8, 2015.  I have finally forgiven myself and pray daily that the person I hurt can one day forgive me.  I don't expect it, but I hope for it.  And you're right, forgiveness at almost every level is hard and much easier to talk about rather than to put into action.  Very few people know what happened or actually have my whole story.  But thankfully, I have an awesome, supportive husband who has helped me move on to forgiving myself. I have a great group of friends who have prayed with me and for me.  And I have three beautiful daughters that remind me to live my life according the Word of God and not by my own accord.

As stated in the re|engage study by Watermark Community Church, "At its most basic level, forgiveness is the decision to pardon an offense and give up the right to be repaid."

This is not only for forgiving others, but to also forgive yourself.  If you're like me, it's hard to move on after hurting someone or being hurt.  But it can get better.  The power of prayer is amazing!

Until next time...

The Forgiven Momma

You Woke Up Like What?

It's finally happening.  It's rare, but it happens.  My kids are growing up and, gasp, doing things for themselves!  Mad and Poo are both in school so I only have Tater home with me now.  And let me tell you, that kid is one independent little lady!  I really thought she would want me to play with her for hours on end once sisters went to school, but she really enjoys her alone time for about an hour each day to play with Duplo's or TinkerToys.  That being said, momma now has a few minutes each day to catch up on social media while drinking my morning water (can't stand coffee), still in my pajamas looking like a hot mess!

I guess I better go take that three minutes to brush my hair and put on some makeup.  

Okay, now that that's done.  While perusing previously mentioned social media, I came across a link to a series of pictures with the hashtag, #iwokeuplikethis.  Of course I clicked on it.  I mean, the opportunity to see how celebrities look when they wake up?  This should be fun!  

First up Beyonce.  Whatever.  We should always skip her.  She wrote a song about waking up flawless (lyrics which are so filled with curse words, I'm a little ashamed I read them before posting this!), so would you expect her to look anything less? 

Moving on....

I was next shown Gwyneth Paltrow who was chugging a bottle of water.  Hey!  I'm chugging my bottle of water too!  Wait.  I don't look like that.  Crap.  Next.

Zoey Deschanel.  Now, I'm feeling better.  She looks like she literally just woke up.  That one is believable.  Another person who actually stayed up too late, had to get up early and it shows.  Whoa!  

So what have I done here?  I have compared myself to three famous women.  The first two I saw as so beautiful there is no way I could ever compete with them.  I have put myself down and made myself feel like I'm not good enough because I don't look perfect, or flawless, when I wake up.  Sometimes I forget that I don't have a personal trainer, chef, assistant, housekeeper, etc at my beck and call!  Ugh, this reality really sucks sometimes.

Then I put myself on a pedestal when I saw Zoey.  As if to think, well maybe I don't look that unkempt when I wake up.  So does that make me better?  Absolutely not! 

Where is that good balance?  And lets be honest here, are these celebrities really that flawless?  And should seeing a celebrity looking their worse really make me feel better about myself?  It's like a never ending battle of right and wrong.  In our country, we are either too fat, too thin, too muscular, not enough muscles, thick thighs, too much thigh gap, big butt, no butt, blah, blah, blah.  

I am all of that.  The issue is that each person looks at another through their own eyes.  So to one person, I am too thin, but to another, I could stand to tone it up a little more and drop those few extra baby pounds I've kept after having THREE KIDS!  You know what I mean.  When someone says, "you look great....for having three kids!"  Um,.....thanks?  Even if I hadn't had three kids, I think I'm still looking dang good!  Even if #iwokeuplikethis!!!!!

So here, here Beyonce, Gwyneth AND Zoey!  I am flawless without having an entourage of people making me that way.  And if you're reading this, you're flawless too.  Don't believe me?  Watch this FLAWLESS video and have a wonderfully amazing day!

The Momma

CAUTION: POTHOLES AHEAD!!!!!

My grandmother lives in a tiny area in central Louisiana.  It's a wonderful place that I absolutely love to visit when I can.  The grass is always a gorgeous green, especially after a spring rain.  The trees sway in the breeze so softly that if you are sitting in her front porch swing, you'll find yourself swaying with them.  Across the road is the mailbox which sits right next to the old tree where my grandpa once had a table for cleaning the catfish he would catch on Little River.  The garden is out back, behind the clothes line, and behind that is a great big field where the cows used to hang out when they still had them.  Down the hill is the old barn right next to the family cemetary.  But to get to this beautiful place can sometimes be a daunting task.  Nobody turns down that road unless they know where they are going and if they do, they usually have no idea where they will end up.  It depends on the police jury and if they are fixing a bridge or how many years it's been since they filled the potholes.  It's those potholes.  Way too many to count, which got me thinking about life.  So here we go.

It's a great feeling when life seems to be running pretty smooth.  The kids are doing good, jobs are good, you have it all and the blessings seem abundant.  It's like God has us driving on this nice, freshly paved highway leading to a beautiful sunset.  But then all of a sudden, with no detour signs or warnings, that highway turns into a bumpy gravel road full of potholes.  If you aren't getting the idea, those potholes are our life problems.  Things that appear out of nowhere and make us grab the wheel a little tighter to stay in control.  Our family has recently hit a pretty big pothole.  This made me start thinking about how we should address it.  I came up with three ways we can deal with "potholes" in our lives and thought I'd share them with you guys.

1.  Swerve!  You see every single pothole in your life and your first instinct is to completely avoid them.  You don't want to hit any of those potholes and risk doing any damage to the car (yourself).  So pretty much, you don't want a hurt ego or hurt feelings and you think you can deal with all these issues on your own or by avoiding them.  Should you accidentally hit one, you cringe at the thought of facing it head-on.  The problem with this method is that it takes you forever to get to the end of the bumpy road.  You're moving slowly, swerving all over the place to avoid any problems or issues and the next time you have to go down a pot-holed road, it'll still scare the bajeebies out of you because you don't know how to face it.  Stop swerving around your big problems.  It's time to find another method.

2.  Slow down!  Ugh!  I can't stand to drive slow.  Seriously.  In this method, as you face the bumpy road you prepare to hit every pothole.  It doesn't matter how big or small.  Everything seems to be an issue that you have to face.  You can't let anything go unnoticed.  The problem with this method is that you see every pothole as something that must be addressed.  Not every pothole is a problem though that needs to be dealt with.  How much time are you wasting going slowly, letting everything get to you?  Letting the devil make you think that every issue you have is a huge problem?  We need to ease up on ourselves and give ourselves a break from thinking that we need to fix every pothole in our roads.  I agree that those big ones definitely need to be addressed but if you hit every pothole at a slow speed, you'll end up hitting your head on the roof of the car.  In real terms, how much of headache would you have if you are constantly trying to solve some of the simplest of problems that usually end up solving themselves?

3.  Steady pace!  Oh, this is my favorite.  When going to my grandma's, I've always told my husband, "the faster you go, the less potholes you'll feel.....we'll fly right over them!"  He hasn't always agreed with my idea, but it does work somewhat.  If you find a steady pace, you'll see that those small potholes aren't even an issue.  You really do just fly right over them.  Life is the same.  It's like the book by Richard Carlson, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.  No, really...don't.  We need to focus on the road ahead and work through those larger potholes.  You're going to feel them.  They are there.  But keep up your steady pace and keep going.  Yes, some may hurt your feelings or your ego, but they have to be addressed.  Nobody has a smooth life.  No matter how much we see in the media and how great a life a celebrity may have, I promise they have their own potholes too.

There you have it.  My methods to driving down this bumpy road we call life.  As for our current family pothole, we'll get through it.  There's no guarantee we won't feel some affects from it, but I promise it won't stop us from pressing the gas and moving on.

Some folks might even ask, "what happens if you get stuck in a pothole?"  Think of life the same way.  Get some traction and try again.  If all else fails, call that friend who has the winch ready and always knows how to work it. (ie. knows what to say to help you through)

I understand this post can seem confusing, as they usually are, but what I want us all to remember is that life's potholes do not have to be faced alone.  There is always someone there for you even when you believe differently.  Call a friend, call a family member, call your pastor.  If you feel you don't have that, call any pastor at a nearby church and I know he would be willing to listen and help you.

Find your pace, y'all!

Until next time....

Life Got in the Way....or Maybe it was Facebook

Yep. Once again life has kept me busy and I have not posted a blog update in a few months.  And guess what!  I don't feel bad about it!  My life isn't overly exciting but it definitely isn't boring either.  So last weekend while attending a cousins wedding, I was asked if I quit blogging.  My answer was simply, "no, I just haven't had anything interesting to say."

I have done exactly zero crafts, unless required by Poo and Tater because something expertly accidentally got broken.  Since Christmas, we have lived in a sort of whirlwind.  It was a new year followed by Mardi Gras, which is when we also lost my husbands grandmother.  And let me just say, that 93-year old woman had a spunk and charisma about her I desperately hope will one day pass on to my kids!  

Mad has also started back to softball.  Hubs is coaching that team and at the same time his travel schedule has tripled, which means I'm mommy on 24-7 duty with no backup when he's gone.  So, needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), this blog has not been my top priority. As a matter of fact, most kinds of social media have made their way to my back burner and I am loving it.  Let me explain.

When hubs and I moved to our quaint, very affluent little town (pop. 350,000), I got very caught up in it. I thought I needed to prove to others and myself that I could fit in.  Even through the end of last year, I was still fighting this urge to fit in.  I automatically assume that everyone has a better house, a better car, make more money, take more trips, buy better things....than me.  And then, after spending some time with some awesome friends through some studies, I came to realize what the problem was.  It was me.  That's what we're all about, right?  What can you do for ME? Look at MY awesome kids.  All of this is MINE.  Me, me, me!

So where did all of this pressure to keep up with the Joneses and Smiths come from?  I mean, I see it in our daily errands around town, but I saw it so much on Facebook.  And I was constantly checking to see what people were doing, only adding to my hang-up, then having to provide my own updates.  I have come to feel that some of my posts may have come off as prideful.  I definitely have never meant them that way, but I can easily see how they could be taken that way.  Yes, my kids are awesome and my husband provides for us, but do I really need to always post about it.  I apologize right now to anyone who has ever felt hurt or degraded by any of my posts.  A friend posted the other day that they bought a new motorcycle.  Great!  Congratulations!  Did you really need to tell all of Facebook how much you paid for it?  Anyway, two months ago I deleted the Facebook app from my phone to keep me from checking it all day and taking time from our kids but to also get a reality check of my prideful nature.  The app is still on my iPad, but I only allow myself to check it once a day, usually in the evening before going to bed.  

Now, before you get mad at me and start ranting about how I posted this blog to Facebook or that you're not being prideful with your posts, please remember I'm not writing this blog about you.  I'm not telling anyone they should stop posting to Facebook or Twitter (I do still make posts at times), or that everyone is too full of themselves.   It's about me and the actions I have taken.  And that main action has been to stop making it all about me and what I want, but giving the glory to God for giving me what I need. I don't ever want to come off to people as an unapproachable, stuck up snob.  I love our city life and the advantages it offers, but don't think I don't know how to throw on a pair of rubber boots and feed cows or clean some fresh caught bream.  

I have rambled a lot in this post and probably don't make much sense (said with my country twang), but I know one thing for certain.  I want to be a better person.  And the older I get, the more I realize that my life is becoming less and less about me and what material possessions I have.  It's all about those three little girls we are raising.  I do pray that we are able to give them all they need but I pray that they will stay humble and give glory to God for how much or how little they may have.

The Momma

What about your friends?

Yes, yes.  I know it's been a while but life tends to get a little hectic at times.  For instance, right now the hubs and I are in the middle of having our master bathroom remodeled.  We are now on our second contractor, second crew and are finally making some progress.  If I happen to see our first contractor though, don't be surprised if I go all Waterboy on him and punch him in his medulla oblongata!  Needless to say, we probably will never be friends.

So that leads me to the topic of the day.  Friends.  The title of this post has now gotten that TLC song stuck in my head.  See if it doesn't get stuck in yours too.  Anyway, I'm wondering about you guys and who you consider your friends.  I have 579 "friends" on Facebook.  Wow!  That can make a person feel good about themselves.  But let's be real here.  About 549 of them are what I actually consider an acquaintance.  I don't mean that in a bad way and I definitely don't want to lose them as "friends."  I simply mean they don't call me to chat or text me or check on my kids when they get sick, nor do I with them.  All they know about me is what I choose to put out there for them to see.  I'm sure most of us are the same way and if I offend you by saying it, then I apologize, but if you think you are really that close to all of those friends, you may need to re-evaluate.  Seriously, I don't have time to text with 579 friends every week!  I do have some that I'd like to tell you about though.  So sit back and get to know me (and my friends) a little better.

My husband is my best friend.  I tell him everything, even things he doesn't want to hear.  He always gets worried when I say, "so I've been thinking."  He knows it's either about to cost him money or the house is going to look different in some way.  Yet still, he remains my best friend.  I actually apologized to him Sunday morning because he has to wake up and see me at my worst every morning when I am definitely NOT a morning person.  Puffy eyes, no makeup, crazy hair, unshaved legs, paintless nails and a poochy tummy.  Yet he remains my best friend.  I'm still trying to figure out what he sees, but I have to thank God he doesn't see what I see some days!  Thank you God for letting him see the good!

Barely second to the hubs are my parents.  My mom and dad are some of the best friends I could have.  I don't know what the rules are about best friends, but if I'm allowed more than one, lets go ahead and add them to that list.  I talk to my mom almost every day.  If we don't talk, we at least text and check in.  I know I can go to them for anything.  And they know when to give advice and when to keep their mouths closed and just let me vent.  I hope I can be that way with my kids one day.  I figure I'll always be the parent who wants to tell them what I think is best instead of letting them figure it out on their own.  My bad.

I have had four other ladies in my 37 years on this earth whom I have considered a best friend (Jamie, Christy, Wendy & Nicki).  Those three girls were with me through so much from kindergarten to college.  One of them even stood by me when the hubs and I married, even after we had a period of time when we weren't the best of friends.  I thank God she forgave me for my mouth getting overloaded with hurtful words.  But sometimes forgiveness doesn't come easy between friends and all you can do is move on, pray for forgiveness and understand that some things can't be forgotten.

I had two other friends (a guy and a girl) who pretty much saw me through the first two years of college.  We did almost everything together.  We had our inside jokes which to this day, no one else would ever get. We had known each other since 7th grade.  Sadly, these two friends are no longer here on earth with us.  Both were taken in such sudden ways that the shock of losing them took a long time to get through.  I love still being able to talk to my friend Dan's mom and sister about the good (and bad) times we had.  Through his sick days and his well days.  God just knew it was Dan's time to go Home even though we weren't ready to say good-bye.  We lost our friend Sha to domestic violence in 2004.  You think it could never happen to you or one of your friends, but it can...and it does.  To this day I want to do more to help combat domestic violence.  Honestly, I get so pissed off when I think about it because she should have been protected.  All DV victims should be protected.  If you or someone you know is a victim, please click here and try to get help.

I have grown a lot through the years.  My parents always told me my friends would change with the stages of my life, and they weren't kidding!   My friends now are married and have kids and we have a hard time getting together to do things because of those kids.  But man when we do, we have a good time! This group of ladies, I could turn to in a heartbeat with any need and they would be at my doorstep with open arms....and food.  And I would do the same for them.   So to Laura, Johnna, Ruby, Kim, Kristy, Amy and Jamie---thank you!

So.....that's me.  That's my thoughts on friends and some that I've had through the years.  Of course, these aren't my only friends, just a few I wanted to talk about.  I could fill pages with stories of friends and things we've done but I want you to still read my blog.  I also want you to think about your friends- past, present and future.  Call them.  Text them.  Check in with that person who has been on your mind, but you just haven't found the time to contact.  That's an easy way to make someones day.  Don't take those close friends for granted.  We are not guaranteed an infinite amount of time.

My Craft Closet

When I first decided to start blogging about life and my love of projects, I mentioned a few that I enjoyed doing.  The last couple weeks I have not felt like doing any of them!  I think something I've noticed is that when life is calm and things are going good, I don't need my craft time.  But when the devil shows his ugly head, I need my crafts.  They are my stress relief.  Over this past week, the devil made a visit, so I have decided it's time to open that door and get to it!

But what am I going to do?  I keep all my craft supplies in one place.  We have a small hall closet that is perfect for holding all of it and I have found myself just standing there, staring blankly at each shelf with no inspiration.  As an usual crafty person, that's a horrible feeling to have.

So today I thought I would introduce you to my craft closet while I figure out what's next.  This is where I go when I need to find an outlet for stress.  I love it.  It's not extravagant or even organized in the prettiest way, but I know where everything is located and I know exactly what I have on hand at all times.

See.  Told you it wasn't much to it.  I love crafting stuff.  The only thing I think I don't do is knit.  I have no clue how to work those two needles at the same time.  Just give me a crochet hook and let me chain!

Starting at the top, I keep extra yarns, fabrics (mostly scraps) and gift bags.  Not much here.

Second shelf is my acrylic paints and threads (forgot to put that on the pic), a serger, a BeDazzler (yep, I have one of those) and a full box of art supplies for the kids.  One must always have glitter glue when you have three daughters.

Third shelf is one of my favorites.  I love making jewelry.  I love working with sterling silver and Swarovsi crystals.  Does anyone else want to lay in a tub full of those things?!  They sparkle and every color is beautiful.  I would be a jewelry designer if I knew someone to get me started!  Also on this shelf are my ribbons for making the girls bows, and my other craft supplies.  The black and white box holds my ModPodge, glue gun, extra glue sticks, twine, sponge brushes and all sorts of other little items I never knew I needed until I bought them.

Fourth shelf is pretty straight-forward.  Yarn, Poly-fil and sewing and embroidery machine.  Love that machine!  I got it just before Poo was born so that child had her name, initials or monogram on everything.  I probably should have thought that through since we planned to have another kid.  Poor Tater didn't have many hand-me-down dresses or bibs because they all had a big "P" on them!

And the bottom of the closet is the box of paints and spray paints as well as that wonderful machine, the Silhouette!

That's it.  If you don't have a craft closet, it's okay.  Stuff supplies under your bed.  Put them in the pantry. Whatever you do, just keep them nearby for when that inspiration hits you.  Mine just started stirring.  It involves silver.  And crystals.  Stay tuned!

The Momma