November 2, 2001. My dads heart stents collapsed requiring him to have open heart surgery. I packed my bag and drove to my hometown to be with my parents during this time. For two days, I openly talked with my mom and my highly medicated dad about how I felt. It wasn't good. While still at my parents, I called my now ex-husband to tell him as soon as I returned, I would be moving out. His reply to me was, "if you do this, don't even think about trying to come back." I rented an apartment, with the help of my parents, over the phone so that I could move the minute I got back into town. I have never once regretted that decision. I don't blame my ex for our marriage failure. It was just not right. It was a toxic relationship for me and one that I did not need to be in.
During this time, I was a completely lost soul. I wasn't attending church. I rarely prayed for God to help me. And I made some of the worst decisions of my life. I hurt one of the people closest to me. To this day, I don't know why I felt the way I did or why I was so selfish, but I have dealt with this for 14 years...daily.
It is said that in order to truly receive forgiveness from God, we must first forgive ourselves. When you hurt someone, and you know how badly you hurt them, it's hard to forgive yourself. When you have asked for forgiveness from that person and not received it, it's hard to forgive yourself. When even your children are shunned by that person you hurt, it's hard to forgive yourself because now your kids, who didn't even exist at that time, are paying for your sin. At what point are we able to move on?
I have thought about what I did every day for 14 years. I have dreamed about it. I have dreamed that I was forgiven, but not reconciled or forgotten, only to wake up knowing that's not reality.
October 8, 2015. I have finally forgiven myself and pray daily that the person I hurt can one day forgive me. I don't expect it, but I hope for it. And you're right, forgiveness at almost every level is hard and much easier to talk about rather than to put into action. Very few people know what happened or actually have my whole story. But thankfully, I have an awesome, supportive husband who has helped me move on to forgiving myself. I have a great group of friends who have prayed with me and for me. And I have three beautiful daughters that remind me to live my life according the Word of God and not by my own accord.
As stated in the re|engage study by Watermark Community Church, "At its most basic level, forgiveness is the decision to pardon an offense and give up the right to be repaid."
This is not only for forgiving others, but to also forgive yourself. If you're like me, it's hard to move on after hurting someone or being hurt. But it can get better. The power of prayer is amazing!
Until next time...
The Forgiven Momma
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