What Happened to Me?

This is one of those post no one wants to write, but needs to be out there.  I'm sure plenty of others have felt the same.  So today I'm contemplating what happened to me?  Mainly, what happened to my confidence?

When I was a full-time employee in corporate America, I had all confidence in myself.  I knew how to do my job.  My bosses knew I could do my job.  I had no problem standing in front of a group of people and telling them what I did and what would help market their products better.  And to be honest, if I was back in that position today, I would still be confident in my abilities.

But as a mom, and mom only, I've changed.  I have lost a lot of the confidence I had in myself back then.  Maybe it's because I don't wear makeup everyday.  Maybe it's because my hair is usually pulled back out of my face and my work attire nowadays consists of yoga pants and a t-shirt.  Or whatever allows me to move more freely as I constantly pick up toys or have to clean spilled milk on my hands and knees.  Maybe, just maybe, it's all in my head.  Uh, yeah, it's definitely all in my head.  That's where confidence comes from.  I think, therefore I am....right?

So what has brought this feeling on today?  Answer:  Other moms.  As I sat at the dance studio while Poo and Tater had their lessons this morning, I watched as four other moms congregated on their side of the waiting area to discuss other people.  What the hey, women?!?!  Really?  What makes you so much better than the people you are talking about?  And then it hit me.  While they are at their after-dance lunch play date (which by the way, was planned during one of their discussions), they'll probably talk about me.  This ate at me the last 15 minutes of our waiting.  What would they say?  "Oh, that poor girl.  She looks like she lives in a shack.  Her kids leotard has a stain.  Tsk, tsk, tsk."

Then dance was over and time to load up my beautiful girls in their stained leotards into our conservative Nissan SUV.  And for some reason, I started crying!  Crying!  Why on earth am I crying over something that has gone on mainly in my head?  They didn't say anything to my face...they didn't speak to me at all.  So that's what it was.  I made an attempt to talk to them, but was put out of the conversation and left alone.  The old me would have put myself right back in there.  So what happened to me?  And why I am crying?   What happened to my confidence?

So I did what I know to do.  I prayed.  I asked God why we compare ourselves to other people.  Why do I feel this way?  Why do I care what others think?  Why do I feel not good enough to fit in?  What makes other women (or men) feel they are better than others?  Why do cliques still exist into our 30's, 40's, 50's and so on?  What can I do to regain some of that confidence in myself?  And I found my answers in four different verses of the Bible.  Whether you are religious or not, they may help you too if you ever feel this way.

For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,    my confidence since my youth. Psalms 71:5

Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save.  Psalms 146:3

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.  1 Corinthians 10:12-13

This is what the Lord says:  “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.  Jeremiah 9:23-24

So while I am not feeling 100% confident in myself again, I am feeling better.  I am going to work on not comparing myself to others.  I am going to make an effort to make others feel included when in a group setting.  And most important, I am going to remember that I am only to boast in Jesus Christ and pray that others will do the same.  

If you feel or have felt this way, know that you are not alone.  Know that you are good enough.  And anyone who says different has their own problems they obviously need to deal with.  And enjoy your confidence in your abilities.  Whatever they may be.  For instance, I am confident my kids and husband need me and I need them.  It's something small, but it helps.


Have a great day!
The Momma